Long Feng vs Aang
by samtana
Summary: Don't follow the link if you value your life. I warned you.


I think it's fair to say by now that I'm insane. Hopefully some humor has come out of that. I don't even think I'm going to edit this.

I don't own Avatar. I'm not allowed to while on parole. Just joking about that, by the way. I've been off parole for at least a week now.

**Long Feng vs. Aang**

"I hear that you're searching for your bison. It would be a shame if you were unable to complete that quest."

Aang glared at Long Feng with all the menace he could muster.

"Sokka," said Long Feng. "Give me a beat."

"Give you a what now?" said Sokka.

"A beat," said Long Feng calmly. "I'll count you off."

"Aw, man, but I don't want – "

"Do it! Won, too, three, fore."

Sokka sighed and began to beat box, trying to avoid watching as Long Feng swayed his hips.

**Long Feng's Rap**

Yo!

I'm the Dai Li! Don't mess with me!

Or else you'll feel more pain than you'll ever believe!

I took this city out of misery

And enslaved all the people who used to be free!

I'm saving the world, here, can't you see?

Brainwashing all the people is the way to peace!

I know I'm filled with hate and I'm fueled by greed

But I know I've got the stuff that everyone needs!

Na na, na na na na na

Na na na, na na na na!

Na na, na na na na na

Na na na, na na na na!

I'm the Dai Li! I'm the one to appease!

If you don't listen to me I'll throw you into the sea!

It doesn't matter who you are! Peasant or Avatar!

I'll find you in your sleep and I'll tie you to a tree!

I make a city of lies where nothing is as it seems!

I'll haunt all you melon-heads inside of your dreams!

And when I'm all done listening to your screams

I'll go back to my crib and chill with my Ju Di's.

Four Ju Di's waltzed into the room wearing nothing but tiny bikinis and their wide smiles. They crowded around Long Feng and started rubbing his chest, chanting, "Oooh, Mr. Long Feng!" Long smirked and raised his eyebrow. Sokka messed up the beat and threw up.

Aang turned to Katara and Toph.

"All right ladies," he said. "Just like we've been training. A-one, a-two, a-one, two three four!"

Toph started beat boxing her heart out, bending nearly down the ground, spit flying from her mouth all over her hand. Katara danced, clapped, and sang back-up vocals, flowing smoothly over Toph's rough beat. The Ju Di's stopped rubbing the stunned Long Feng's chest and gaped.

Sokka stopped throwing up to stare at them. "So this is what you've been doing all those times I was cleaning mud out of Appa's toes?"

**Aang's Rap**

You better shut up and give me back Appa

Or I'll beat you so bad you go crying to mama!

I'm the Avatar, master of all elements!

I know what's best for everybody's betterment!

So wipe that smirk off your face! I 'aint playin' no games!

Or I'll have to hit you so hard you never look the same!

And you want to talk chicks? I've got the Water Chief's daughter!

I treat her like honey, don't I, Katara?

[Katara wiggled up to Aang and they danced in provocative ways that probably can't be posted online. Sokka resumed throwing up and Long Feng sent the Ju Di's away angrily.]

See these tattoos? Y'all know I'm a bad dude!

You want to mess with me? Homie you don't have a clue!

You see this glow? You don't even want to know!

I'll make it so your limbs don't work no mo'!

So bring it, idiot! I can take what you've got!

I'm twice the man than the half that you're not!

So let's get this on, brother! Let's get started!

And when I've beat you up, you can give me back Appa!

Aang threw his arms into the air. "South side! South side! What!"

Katara catcalled and Toph hit the last note in the beat with a crash cymbal.

Sokka wiped his mouth and said with a smile, "Long Feng. You, my friend, were owned."

Long Feng grinded his teeth together. "All right," he said. "So I was owned. But I'm still not telling you where your bison is. Now Ju Di will show you to your rooms."

------------------------------------------------------------

Right. Insane. Me. Happy Thanksgiving.

-samtana


End file.
